So the question was posed to me by, let’s just call her Anonymous, “Can you break up with someone in a nice way?” to which I chuckled edgily and said, “I’m sure there has to be a nice way to do it.”
But is there?
As she continued to talk about her current dating fiasco, I sat thinking I’m probably the last person she wants to ask about dumping someone since I’ve always been the dumpee, and let me assure you it was never nice. Like the time my boyfriend IM’d me to say he was seeing someone else. That definitely wasn’t a high point in my life. And couldn’t he have just picked up the phone? Jeez.
Why do people think that the only way to say “I don’t want to see you anymore” is by being inconsiderate to the other person?
Here is the rest of the conversation:
Anonymous: We’ve gone out a few times and I have a lot of fun with him but he’s not my type.
Me: You’re not attracted to him?
Anonymous: No, it’s not that. He’s good looking and he’s nice, but he’s too pushy.
Me: How so?
Anonymous: He’s always calling me, and wanting to go out. And when he called me on Tuesday night and I said I couldn’t talk, he called me at 7:00 AM Wednesday morning when I was driving into work. And I asked him why he was calling me so early and he said because he knew he’d catch me. (haughty chuckle) I mean what’s wrong with him?
Me, thinking to myself: What in the heck is wrong with YOU? You’ve been moping around for years, complaining about being single and lonely, and when you meet someone who likes you even with all your crazy antics, you’re unhappy. You’re certainly not the easiest person to get along with, so shouldn’t you count your blessings that someone’s interested?
Awkward silence.
Anonymous: I don’t know, but I think I need to dump him. He acts like a salesman. (another haughty chuckle) I guess I’m just not into him.
Me, thinking she’s got to be kidding me: What do you think you’re going to say?
Anonymous: I think I’ll send him an email.
More awkward silence. What was I supposed to say to this? Because what I really wanted to say is that choosing to break up with someone by any form of technology is just down right cowardly.
Me: Maybe you should just tell him that you think you want to take a break, or that you’re not in a place where you’re ready for a commitment.
Anonymous: I don’t know. I just want to get rid of him. (sigh) I know I sound like a hypocrite because I’ve been complaining about being single, but I’m very picky and don’t think I want to see him again.
Me: Look at you, you heartbreaker. Let him down easy. (thinking to myself: you should really reconsider being so picky. You’re no spring chicken and certainly not a walk in the park.)
Anonymous: (with a devilish sneer) I’ll try.
I sat in my chair, mouth open, dumbfounded. One, that she was so forthcoming with this personal information, and two, that she has the nerve to be so thoughtless.
The truth is that we’ve all had a friend who was just a little too clingy, or that boyfriend or girlfriend who called one too many times in an hour, that we just wanted to go away. We’ve all ignored the calls, ducked and dodged them, neglected to return voicemails and emails, justifying that it’s the other person that is turning us off. The other person who’s too needy and too annoying. But could it be us who has the real problem? And when did someone wanting to spend time with us, talk to us, laugh with us, and get to know us become reason for shunning them?
I remember being fifteen, I think, and this guy Collin liked me. He wasn’t my type at all but he was really into me. Everyone told me over and over how much he liked me but I just wasn’t feeling it. One summer, a group of us went to Kings Dominion, and Collin won me a stuffed teddy bear. He was so proud of himself. When he handed it to me I remember being annoyed, thinking that I didn’t want to lug it around the rest of the day (what a snotty wench I was). We got on a roller coaster, and as we rolled to the top of the hill and were about to descend, I threw the bear over the side, watching it twirl mercilessly in the air. I can still picture Collin’s saddened face. Why did I want to hurt someone who wanted to be nice to me? Ironically, tables turned and I started to like ole Collin. And just when I knew it was love, he dumped me for his ex-girlfriend. Ain’t karma a b*&^h?
So I guess my question is, when someone IS into us, and we’re NOT into them, what makes us lose our gratitude and throw around our attitude? When did making someone feel special and wanted become a crime? Has our culture adopted the mentality that being “just not that into” someone gives us the right to lose our manners and be inconsiderate?
This is a topic I want to explore, perhaps for future writing. So if you have a story of you being not-so-kind to someone who adored you, or you were treated sketchily by someone you were into, tell me about it.
And if you take nothing else from this entry, take that we should all follow the golden rule a little more, and be grateful that people like us, want to spend time with us, and are into us. Because there are people in this world who are all alone with no one in their lives to love.
Be kind to others.
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