Blue- August 9, 2010

I know I’m supposed to be following my happiness list, and that I promised my entries wouldn’t be such bummers, but I can’t help it today. I’m downright blue and I can’t pretend that I’m not.

This past weekend I did actually follow my list. On Saturday morning I got my next group of submissions together, which I sent off this morning to nine agents (number 1 on the Happiness List—get published). Pray an agent will like it and request to read my manuscript. It only takes one! We did a ton of yard work, installed some new lights, and dug new flower beds (number 18—renovate the house). I tried new foods Friday at lunch and Saturday night at dinner (number 25—try different foods; savor a good meal). And I forced myself not to think about all the things I needed to do and jumped in Mike’s new whip with him Friday night and Sunday to take a spin (number 21—be more impulsive). Oh, not to mention Saturday night even after being pooped, and I mean pooped, Mike and I went to dinner with friends. And when Mike and Wendy (my friend’s wife) fell asleep on the ride home, I forced myself to stay up to talk to Chris (the driver), so he wasn’t all alone (number 33—be a better friend). So I’m trying, I’m really trying, to follow the list, be happy, and live my life to the fullest. But I can’t seem to shake this nagging feeling that something bad is going to happen to me or someone I love.

Ever since Jim’s and my aunt’s death I have been feeling a tad uneasy. For instance, when I leave in the morning for work I wonder if we’ll both make it back in the evening. And when Mike wanted to go for a ride in his car, the first thing that came to my mind was that he would drive too fast and lose control and we’d died. Horrible, right?

I forgot to mention this before, but the Sunday before Jim died, Mike’s mom called to tell him that a guy he went to school with had died. Apparently it was his birthday on Saturday and his wife bought him a 4-wheeler as a birthday present. The two of them went for a ride and crashed. He died, and she was in the hospital. And even though I didn’t know him, I couldn’t and still can’t stop thinking about it. They say things happen in threes and I guess it’s true. This guy, Jim, and my aunt all died within a week of each other, and now weeks later I’m scared I could be next!

I know I possibly sound like a wacko, but its okay because I certainly feel like one. I wish I could do everything I want to do and say everything I want to say right now in case I don’t get that chance later. And I wish I could somehow put Mike in a bubble so that I could be certain nothing happens to him, but I guess I can’t do that either.

I’m sure there’s a moral to this entry, and a way to tie it up with an optimistic bow, but I don’t think I can today. Instead I will just say that when you feel like you could lose it all, and I mean everything, it really makes you love it all the more.

Take care of yourself, and those you love!



Note- Though I wrote this on Monday, I'm just getting around to posting this today, Tuesday, August 10th and I'm sad to say, Mike's grandma passed away this morning. Not only that but a friend of ours, Darren is in the ICU in critical condition.

What is going on?????????